Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200
by AndAllThatMishigas
Summary: Jed wants to play Monopoly with his family. It doesn't go so well.


Author's Note: Sarah asked for Bartlet game night, so here's what happened.

 **Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200**

"Jed, I still don't think this is a very good idea," Abbey warned as her husband opened the box and started setting up.

"Don't be silly. The girls are all old enough now that we can play as a family. There is nothing more American than sitting around the table playing Monopoly," Jed insisted. "Zoey, Eleanor, and Elizabeth! Time to play!" he called out.

Thundering feet sounded on the stairs as the three girls raced down to join their parents. Zoey was the first to arrive. "Daddy, what are we playing?" the five year old asked, her big blue eyes lighting up with her partially toothless smile.

"We are playing Monopoly. Go take a seat with Mom and I'll tell you how to play," he told her, kissing her forehead.

Ellie came much more calmly and quietly observed the scene with a smile. She took a seat on the other side of her mother. Liz narrowed her eyes at the Monopoly board and sat beside Ellie, leaving a seat between herself and Zoey for their father to sit.

Abbey whispered quietly to Ellie, "Just give it a chance, okay sweet girl? It'll make your dad happy." Ellie nodded and reminded herself to keep an open mind.

"Alright, Bartlets," Jed announced as he sat down. "We're going to play Monopoly. The object of the game is to go around and buy as much property as possible and make everyone else lose their money. Now, because I'm the one with a Nobel Prize in Economics, I get to be the banker. I'll explain what to do as we go along. First things first, everyone pick a game piece."

Liz took the hat, Zoey took the dog, and Ellie got the ship. Jed reluctantly took the car—he had always played as the hat, but he wouldn't make a fuss at the expense of his daughter. Abbey eyed his disappointment as she took the wheelbarrow.

Jed passed out all the money they would need. He explained the basic rules to playing the game. He then announced that Abbey would go first. "Because when you've given birth to everyone else at the table, you always get to go first."

Abbey rolled a 3 and a 5 and moved her wheelbarrow to Vermont Avenue. She took a pale orange $100 bill and handed it to the banker in exchange for the deed to her first property but he stopped her.

"That's not the price," he explained.

She frowned. "Yes it is. It says so right there," she replied, pointing to the board.

He shook his head. "This board is from the 1930s. That cost has to be adjusted for inflation."

Liz was the first to react. "Dad, that's not how you play!"

"My game, my rules," he insisted.

"How much do you want for my measly property, Mr. Banker?" Abbey asked, hoping to just keep the game moving. The faster they worked through this, the sooner Jed would let them all leave. She warned him that Monopoly was a bad idea. She was right.

"Let's call it $125 for simplicity's sake. $100 was overpriced for 1935 anyway." He turned to his daughters. "Eleanor, have you gotten to that period of American history in school yet?" he asked his eleven year old.

Ellie nodded. "That was the Great Depression and the New Deal from President FDR."

Jed grinned proudly. "That's absolutely correct. Well done, jellybean."

They went back to playing the game, with Jed adjusting all the prices for inflation. Everything was going just fine until Zoey landed on Pennsylvania Avenue.

"Zo, can you count $340 from your money?" Jed asked, prepared to help her if needed.

"Daddy, I don't want this one. I want a purple one."

"But you landed on this green one."

She shook her head. "I don't like green. Green is like grass and trees, and I want my game to be purple and blue and red and no green."

"That's not how the game works, Zoey," Liz told her gently.

But Zoey just kept insisting she didn't want a green property, no matter how many times they all explained the lack of significance of the color. She wouldn't even budge when Jed told her that Pennsylvania Avenue was special because that's where the President of the United States lived.

Ellie was the only one who could get through to her baby sister. "Here, Zoey," she said softly, passing over her paper deed to purple Baltic Avenue. "You can have the purple one and I'll take the green one instead."

"That's very nice of you, Eleanor," Abbey said, hoping to catch Jed's eye to move them all past this.

"No, that's not how you play!" Liz exclaimed. She was getting more frustrated with the deviation from the rules than anyone else.

"Lizzie, calm down. It's fine," Jed told his eldest begrudgingly. He agreed with her, but there was no use in making the little ones upset over it.

And so they continued. Zoey and Ellie kept trading properties. Liz muttered angrily under her breath. Abbey did her best to keep from shouting at her husband every time he made up a new economically-sound policy for the game. He kept increasing prices as the properties were all bought, owing, as he put it, to the effects of supply and demand.

At one point, he got what he deserved when he picked up a Chance card and was sent to jail. Abbey laughed loudly at his misfortune, which the girls all found to be the funniest part of the ordeal.

The biggest outburst of the evening came when Zoey discovered houses and hotels. "Daddy, I want the red ones."

Jed tried to keep calm. "You have to buy the green ones before you can buy the red ones, Zo."

She shook her tiny head. "No, I don't want green. Just red."

Abbey could see that everyone was getting a little too frustrated. She knew Jed was about to lose it. She subtly checked her watch and saw that it was almost five o'clock. "Zoey, honey, would you like to help me start dinner?" she asked, scooting her chair away from the table and standing up.

Zoey was immediately distracted from her argument with her father. She jumped right up. "Yeah!" She raced after her mother into the kitchen.

Jed was left with Ellie and Liz and was somewhat unsure of what to do.

"Dad, maybe we should put the game away and play another time," Ellie suggested quietly.

Jed turned to her and frowned. "Eleanor, you can't look down when you speak. No one can hear you when you mumble like that."

"She said we should put the game away and play another time," Liz said. She knew her father was in a rotten mood, but that was no excuse. She wouldn't let him scold Ellie like that.

He sighed. "Yeah, alright." He stood and started gathering all the money and organizing it by color.

Liz nudged Ellie and told her to go to the kitchen with Mom and Zoey. As soon as Ellie had left, Liz turned to her father. "Dad, you can't treat them like that."

"Treat them like what?" he asked, trying not to get angrier at the accusation.

"Zoey is way too little to play this game, especially the way you want us to do it. And Ellie was just trying to help. Why can't you ever be nice to her?"

Jed looked at his oldest daughter, standing tall and proud with a steely look in her brown eyes. "Elizabeth, I will not have you speak to me that way. I am your father."

"I know you're my father. That's why I am speaking to you like this. I know you don't want Ellie to be scared of you. So stop being such a bully to her."

Whether or not Liz knew it, her words had broken his heart. He cast his eyes downward, hoping to hide the pain he knew would show in his face. "Yeah, okay." He continued to gather the pieces and fold up the board, not speaking another word.

Liz stormed off, annoyed at getting brushed off in such a manner. She went upstairs to her room and slammed the door shut. She'd come down for dinner later, but she wouldn't be happy about it.

Jed put the Monopoly box away and sat on the sofa in the living room. It was starting to get dark, but he didn't bother turning on a light. He sat in silence for a little while.

"Dad?"

He looked over to see Ellie standing by the staircase. He hadn't even noticed her walk over. She really was a quiet little thing.

Ellie didn't wait for him to answer. She took a chance and came right over to sit with him on the sofa. "I heard what Liz said, but she's wrong. You don't scare me. And you weren't being mean. You were just frustrated because Zoey was being difficult."

Jed swallowed the lump in his throat and just opened his arms to her. She snuggled into his embrace and he held her tight.

"Dinner is almost ready. Ellie, can you get Liz to come set the table, please?" Abbey called from the kitchen.

Ellie kissed her father on the cheek and got up to do as she was told.

Abbey came into the living room and turned on the light, illuminating her pensive husband, still sitting on the couch. "I hate to say 'I told you so…'"

He scoffed, "Nah, you love being right."

She made her way to him and sat herself on his lap. "Even so."

He sighed. "I don't think Monopoly is really our game.

"I've never played it with you before. I would have remembered how obnoxious you are with it."

"I guess we can stick to Chutes and Ladders for game nights," he said with resignation, ignoring her teasing.

"And strip poker when the girls aren't around," she whispered, taking his earlobe between her teeth for a moment.

He grinned and gave her a squeeze. When she yelped, he proceeded to tickle her until she leapt off his lap and ran out of the room. Jed followed her to the dining room so they could all sit down for dinner. The evening could still be salvaged after the failure of Bartlet Monopoly.


End file.
